My Homework

The last several years have been a nightmare for me.  I've struggled to stay strong...for my whole family.  I give and give and give.  I do. I do more.  I'm tired.  I. AM. TIRED.

I've known from the beginning that things might be a struggle, but never in a million years imagined this cross that I would have to bear.  It's a hundred little things...and a thousand big things...and in the end I couldn't take it any more.  Something had to change.  Everything had to change.  Things on the outside of me had to change and more importantly on the inside.

I reached my breaking point last fall.  I couldn't do it any more.  My family was falling apart...my son was falling apart.  I was falling apart.

Thank God for friends.  For all the people who were in my life.  Over breakfast I asked a friend if she was still doing family counseling and if she would recommend it. She passed on the information for Winning at Home and later that week, I made the call.  This call ranks up there with one of the best things that I've done.  I needed help, reached out and God answered.  I explained our situation...that my son was a mess...that we needed help.  The secretary said they didn't have any openings, but she said that she would make a few phone calls and get back to me.  We prayed together that day.  I felt a comfort.

She called me back a few days later and they miraculously had an opening.  We were in!  God works in mysterious ways.  My husband and I were going to meet with our counselor first, and then Ryan would meet with him.

We had the day all planned out. I got a baby sitter for the kids. Their favorite babysitter and they were so excited.  Patrick and I were going to meet at Winning at Home and then go out for dinner.  A new restaurant for both of us...we were getting help!  Everyone was excited!  Then...I got a call from the school.  I hate seeing this number show up on my phone.  The secretary starts off by saying: "I have Ryan here in the office..."
Me:  "Ok...what's going on?"
Secretary: "Well, I don't know...he says he doesn't feel well!"
Me: "So....do you want me to come in or do you think he is okay?
Secretary:  "Why don't you talk to him..."
Me: "Hey Ryan...what's going on???"
Ryan: "Mom, I don't feel well...and I want to come home."
Me: (thinking to myself.)  Is his anxiety so bad that he is making himself sick at school?  Is he serious?  Is he just trying to come home and hang out with me?  Trust your mom gut.  Trust. "Okay, buddy, does your head hurt?  Does your tummy hurt?"
Ryan: "Yes"
Me: "Do you want me to come get you?"
Ryan: "Yes"

Me: Taking off my rubber gloves from cleaning and pulling my hair back...okay buddy, I'll be right there...

I get to school and he seems well.  The secretary said that he was chatty and seemed well...I sign him out and we leave.

The first thing he says in the car is..."Mom, I puked!"  Oh geez buddy!  That's like the get out of jail free card.  Why didn't you tell anyone?" He said: "No one asked!" :-/

So, I've got a puking kid.  I can't have our baby sitter come over now.  That isn't fair.  I call my husband and we start making alternative plans.  It took so long for us to be able to get into Winning at Home that I felt like I couldn't cancel, or reschedule.  We decided that I would go myself to Winning at Home and Patrick would stay with the kids.  Again...all things happen for a reason.

I get to Winning at Home and sit down.  I was shaking.  The first words out of my mouth are..."My son is a Mess!"  Looking back, I was the one who was a mess too.  We both needed help.  I broke down and cried.  I sobbed and talked and talked and sobbed.  We sat and deep breathed and prayed and I let my story unfold.  I'll share more of this unbelievable journey as time goes on, but this was our start.  It was meant to be for me to just go by myself.  I probably opened up and shared more than I would have if Patrick was there.  Over time we developed a relationship and he helped me change and grow and realize things about myself that I never knew.  I made huge changes.  Growth.  Over time, he saw it too...big things were happening at home.  Good things...things I need to share.  Things that are too good to just be held behind doors.  Through our suffering there is growth.  I'm hoping that I can share some of the things that worked for us.  Share our growth so that someone else might be helped.  Your homework...you need to write a blog.  What?  Me?  Ain't no one got time for that!!!  Each week he would see more growth and say...did you write your blog yet?  what's holding you back?  Time. Perfection.  Control.  You need to write a blog....it doesn't have to be perfect.  Just write.  You need catharsis!!!!  So, I've learned to say No to some things and say Yes to others.  Big changes.  And...here is my blog!!!!